Picturli, a photo organizing and archiving studio in Los Angeles, put together memory-based questions to ask family members of every age this holiday season, from kids to grandparents. Download the free printable question cards, pick a game, and record the answers so the stories last.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Ever since I met Alan in December 2012, our home has been the one everyone comes to. We call it Grand Central Station, because that's where we convene for every family and holiday event.
The beauty of our table is its range: my 11-year-old nephew all the way up to my 100-year-old father. And there is no occasion where we don't dig into stories and the past to learn more about each other, especially so the kids can learn from their elders.
I want to tell you something I've learned from both sides of that table, as a host and as someone who spends her days inside other families' photos. The stories don't come out on their own. Someone has to ask.
So this year, I'm giving you the questions. They're sorted by age, they go in both directions (grown-ups asking kids, kids asking grown-ups), and almost all of them start with a memory. Share this with whoever is coming to your table.
Why these questions matter more than you think
Kids who know their family's stories tend to cope better with hard times. That finding comes from psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush at Emory University, who built a 20-question "Do You Know?" scale with questions like Do you know how your parents met? and Do you know where your name comes from?
In their research, how many answers a child knew was one of the strongest predictors of emotional health and resilience. The point isn't the trivia. It's the time spent telling the stories, especially stories about how the family got through something difficult.
People like Esther Perel have shown us that a good question can open a door that small talk never will. Her card game Where Should We Begin is built on that idea, and it inspired the spirit of this list. The questions below are my own, with a few borrowed from the Duke and Fivush scale where they fit.
Sources: Robyn Fivush, Psychology Today · Emory Family Narratives Project, Medical News Today
How to play (so it feels like a game, not an interview)
A list of questions read out loud can feel like a pop quiz. A little structure changes that. Pick one of these, or mix them.
One rule for every game: anyone can pass. No explanation needed. People open up when they know they don't have to.
The Question Jar. Print the cards, see the link above, cut them out, fold them, and set the jar in the middle of the table. Each person pulls one and either answers it or picks someone else to answer.
Pass the Album. Bring out an old photo album (the whole album, please, don't pull the photos out). Whoever is holding it picks a photo and asks the oldest person at the table: What's happening here?
Three Rounds. Start light during appetizers, go a little deeper at dinner, and save the big questions for dessert. Closeness builds gradually, so let the questions build with it.
The Reporter. Pair the youngest with the oldest for ten minutes before the meal. Then the young reporter shares one thing they learned with the whole table.
Tip: put your phone on the table and hit record on a voice memo (ask first). These answers are memories too. More on that at the end.
Kids (about 5 to 12)
Kids remember in pictures and senses, so keep the questions concrete. Short answers are fine. A giggle counts.
Ask them:
What's the very first thing you remember?
What's your favorite memory from this year?
What smell makes you think of this house?
If you could live one day from this year all over again, which day would you pick?
What did you do this year that made you proud?
They ask the grown-ups:
What did you look like when you were my age? (Bonus points if someone has a photo.)
What was your favorite toy? Do you still have it?
Did you ever get in trouble when you were little? What happened?
How did you meet Grandma (or Grandpa)?
Where does my name come from?
Teenagers (13 to 17)
Teens can smell a forced conversation from across the room. Let them ask as much as they answer. Their questions for the adults are often where the best stories come out.
Ask them:
What's a memory from when you were little that you think about more than we'd guess?
What song will remind you of this year when you're older?
What's one family tradition you'd keep forever, and one you'd quietly retire?
Who in this family do you think you're most like?
They ask the grown-ups:
What were you really like at my age?
What was the first job you ever had?
What's a mistake you made at my age that turned out okay?
What did you and your friends do on a Friday night?
What's something you did as a teenager that your parents never found out about?
Young adults (18 to 29)
This is the age when people start seeing their family from the outside. They often come home with fresh eyes, and fresh questions.
Ask them:
What memory from home do you carry with you now?
What's something about this family you only understood after you left?
Which tradition do you want to bring into your own home one day?
What happened this year that you want us to know about?
They ask the older generations:
What were you doing at my age, and what did you think your life would look like?
What's the bravest decision you made in your twenties?
Where did you live when you were first on your own? What was it like?
What advice did you get at my age that you completely ignored?
Who was your first love?
Adults (30 to 64)
The adults are usually the ones running the kitchen, so they rarely get asked anything. Pull up a chair for them. They're the bridge between the oldest and youngest at the table.
Ask them:
What's a memory of your parents you want your kids to know?
What was the hardest year of your life so far, and what got you through it?
When did you first feel like a grown-up?
What did this holiday look like when you were a kid?
If you could save only one photo, which one would it be, and why?
They ask the generations around them:
(To their parents) What do you remember about the day I was born?
(To their parents) What's a recipe of yours I should learn before it's too late?
(To their kids) What do you think you'll remember about growing up in our house?
(To their kids) What tradition do you love that you think I don't know about?
Elders (65 and up)
If you ask only one person at your table this year, ask them. These are the stories that aren't written down anywhere. Slow down, let the pauses happen, and don't rush to fill the silence. Sometimes the best part comes after it.
Ask them:
What's the earliest memory you have?
Where did you grow up? What did your street sound and smell like?
What did a holiday meal look like when you were a child? Who did the cooking?
What do you remember about your own grandparents?
How did you meet [name]? What did you think the first time you saw them?
If your family came here from somewhere else, what did they bring with them?
What's the hardest thing you lived through, and what did it teach you?
Is there a photo in your albums with a story nobody has ever asked you about?
They ask the young ones:
What do you think I was like at your age?
What do you want to remember about today?
When someone is missing from the table
The holidays have a way of making an empty chair feel louder. If you lost someone this year, or any year, it's okay to make room for them.
Let the person closest to the loss decide whether to open that door. Offer gently, and if they say not this year, that's the answer. You might set their photo on the table, make their dish, or simply say their name.
When it feels right, try one of these:
What's your favorite memory of [name]?
What did [name] always say or do at this table?
Which of their recipes should we keep making?
What did they teach you without even trying?
What would [name] have laughed at today?
Tears and laughter often show up in the same minute. Both are welcome. Both mean they're still part of the story.
Don't let the answers disappear
Here's the part most families miss. The stories get told, everyone is moved, and by January nobody remembers the details. A few small habits make them last:
Record it. A voice memo on the table captures the voice too, and the voice is often what people miss most. Or better yet have someone video it on their phone or a camera.
Photograph the storyteller with the photo. Grandma holding the picture she just told you about is a photo worth keeping.
Write it on the back. Jot the answer and the date on the back of the question card and tuck it into the album.
Label the date in the file name. When you save the recording, name it with the date and the person, so you can actually find it later.
This is exactly the work we do at Picturli. We take the photos, the albums, the recordings and the stories behind them, and we turn them into an archive your family can search, share and pass down. [LINK: Picturli services page]
There are four things in life we cannot replace: people, pets, time and memories. Everything else is replaceable. This holiday season, ask the questions while you can.
This is exactly the work we do at Picturli. From prints and albums to slides, negatives, VHS tapes and 8mm and Super 8 film, we take the photos, the recordings and the stories behind them and turn them into an archive that is sortable and searchable, ready for your family to share and pass down. See how we organize, scan and preserve family collections.
There are four things in life we cannot replace: people, pets, time and memories. Everything else is replaceable. This holiday season, ask the questions while you can.
Frequently asked questions
What questions should I ask my grandparents at Thanksgiving?
Start with memory questions they can answer through their senses: their earliest memory, the street they grew up on, what a holiday meal looked like when they were children, and how they met their partner. The Elders section above has ten to start with.
How do I record family stories over the holidays?
Ask first, then set a phone on the table and record a voice memo. Name the file with the date and the person's name so you can find it later. If the story is about a specific photo, take a picture of the storyteller holding it.
Are the printable question cards free?
Yes. Download the PDF, print it on regular letter-size paper, and cut along the dotted lines. Share it with anyone who is coming to your table.
What should I do with the old photos and home movies that come out over the holidays?
Keep albums whole and photos in their envelopes. The order, captions and notes are clues to dates and people. When you are ready, Picturli organizes and digitizes prints, albums, scrapbook pages, slides, negatives, VHS and VHS-C tapes, Hi8, MiniDV, and 8mm, Super 8 and 16mm film reels in our Los Angeles studio. We scan prints at 600 ppi and slides and negatives at 4000 ppi. We digitize existing negatives, slides and home movie film. We do not develop new rolls of film. Learn about our organizing and scanning services.
Where do I start if my family's photos are in boxes all over the house?
Start with an inventory, not with sorting. Our guide to doing a complete family photo inventory walks you through it, and how to sort printed photos covers the next step.
Bring these to your table
Download the free printable question cards and share them with whoever is coming this year. And if your family's photos are ready for more than a shoebox, book a complimentary consultation.